14 Years Sober Kicking Subutex

False Pride is One of my Dominate Temptations of that I confess.

If Staying Sober is what you need to learn today…do not read this article.   I have many many other articles on how to stay sober. I have been sober since 2006.  That’s 14 years or so.  Ten of which I have taken some kind of doctor prescribed non narcotic drug.  Be clear I don’t take opiates, that would cause me dysfunctional addiction and horrible consequences.

This post is written by someone who knows how to stay sober by second nature as they say.  More importantly my life and mind have been at peace for quite some time.

Perhaps I should tell you all what my life was like prior to 2006.  I was what they call a low bottom heroin addict, Cocaine abusing, Methadone drinking, Xanex popping, self destructive unto death and back, Addict.

Newcomers enjoy pointing fingers at others for being on prescription drugs for a reason.  Why? Low self worth is bread into us like a bad tooth.  While we are programmed to believe we are chronically and forever “bad & wrong”.  even AA traditions & mantras tell us we are “bad & wrong” sober or otherwise.

Never the less.  The bridges are already built over my sick addict neural pathways.  My suggestions to the newcomer are to give yourself seven years of 12 step confidence building work and meetings.  Delve into your core issues courageously with group therapy.  You must become emotionally vulnerable to heal.   And learn how to embrace and express emotions instead of labelling them character defects and you too will build neural pathways over sick self destructive addict thinking.  Having done this you won’t need meetings to stay sober.

Whatever you do…DO NOT MAKE AA YOUR GOD.  AA is full of error.  Become who you really are NOT an AA copycat with no self worth who forever is reliant upon meetings.   Unless of course that’s what you choose.  Then have at it, at least is a way to stay sober.

If a man still needs meetings to stay sober he hasn’t gotten  in his seven years of rebuilding, reprogramming his mind and emotional patterns as well.  Some never do.  They will need meetings the rest of their lives.  The same man will drink again.  Furthermore God is at the helm of the work and if you don’t put Him there I don’t know how it will work.  But atheists say it does.

I have had sponsors who swear and believe they fear nothing.  If you cannot see your fears you cannot process them by fear list and fourth step.  Some people just can’t look.  Fear programming is just too strong in them…you know “chicken shit, pu**y, panzy, yellow belly” and the rest of the choice words that describe fear, part of the human condition.  Fear programming is another topic for my next article and at the core of many addictions.

So, on the other side of the coin of my sobriety there’s the supposedly non narcotic prescription I have been on for 7 years hence that I have decided to toss.   Why toss it if it works?  Well, I do not trust the drug companies any longer and I really want to improve my meditation by being clearer in mind.

Its been pretty easy to kick until I got down to the last 4mg a day. I was on high doses and years back I had a 6 month period when I took more than prescribed.  At 4mg from 24mg I feel the dependency.  I must encourage myself with the progress I have made rather than beating myself up for not being at zero.  The way I talk to myself is vital for my sobriety.  I will not speak to myself the way I used to furthermore self bashing is not part of the 12 steps and doesn’t keep me sober.

I command respect from others and myself.  Therefore there are some people I just don’t hang around.  Sarcasm is no longer my fail safe when triggered emotionally.  I prefer say what you mean and mean what you say.  With respect of course.

Yes many, especially those in NA would say “your not sober” and hey maybe they are right.  But I judge sobriety by not drinking, not abusing drugs and not having any insane consequences from taking said drug self destructively.  Well, maybe its insane to put anything in my mouth that’s been created by the bastards at big pharma who basically want to profit off my misery.

Fuck you Big Pharma, Fuck you very much.  I see you for what you are.

This article is not going the direction of which I had planned.

I find myself somewhat restless, irritable, and discontent coming off Subutex.  However I must polish up my tools….move a muscle change a thought.

So what’s the final analysis?

Since I don’t condemn myself for taking a prescribed drug I will continue to make slow progress on my detox of Subutex.  The slower the better because the slower the less withdraw is felt.

I do not want to go back to the doctor and do not intend on doing so.  That limits my time to detox so its not written in stone.  I will take it as it comes.  The important thing is that progress in the right direction is made.  And that reliance on God is included.