12 Steps & Solutions To Addiction
FOR WOMEN ONLY
Why is it that there are more men getting and staying sober in the program of AA than women? Why is it that we women seem to have more emotional issues that need addressing than men? Partly we just talk about our issues more, men repress on a much larger scale. Nevertheless we woman that do stay sober are
False Pride is One of my Dominate Temptations of that I confess.
If Staying Sober is what you need to learn today…do not read this article. I have many many other articles on how to stay sober. I have been sober since 2006. That’s 14 years or so. Ten of which I have taken some kind of doctor prescribed non narcotic drug. Be clear I don’t take opiates, that would cause me dysfunctional addiction and horrible consequences.
There is so much in this world to fear. The more research I do on the condition of the Earth, food, pollution, radiation, food additives, toxins, malnutrition due to processed foods the more I am learning about THE BIGGEST PROBLEMS in 2017. So I regroup & choose faith and hope to kwell the horrible uncertainties of the future. My HP has got my back. And I know the tools that bring me back to the safety of “NOW”. Writing is one of my tools. So with all the dangers around me I moved myself on to the solutions just like my favorite AA cliche’ states; “Out of the problem into the solution”. And my 2nd fav. “Move a muscle change a thought”. 3rd “the program works”.
We do not have to know “why” we became addicts to recover. If our brains are still prone to obsession it’s understandable that our sponsors suggest to us “don’t ask why”. For the sake of peace in the first few years we should both “choose our battle’s” wisely and choose our purposes and goals wisely. “Out of the problem into the solution” is by far one of my most valuable mantras for recovery.
However moving on into a more mature lifestyle I am discovering my truths and who I am. If I question nothing and never ask “why” I shut myself out to both knowledge and learning. This flipside of the “why ask why” coin is both dangerous and lacks depth. A lack of learning is akin to a stagnant mind and stunted emotional growth. My mind should have moved on into sanity at some point. If I work the steps and get some good therapy.
First let me tell you this. I have had long periods of sobriety then relapsed. My last sober run beginning in 2006 and still going strong. Oddly the topic of addiction interests me thoroughly even today after years of sobriety.
So what is addiction really? Is it cunning, baffling and powerful? At some point we can all agree that “yes” it is. What does the Big Book tell us? It’s insidious, progressive, deadly, destructive and a spiritual sickness or malady of sorts. Some says it’s inherited and genetic. Some say it grounded in our environment.
“From it stem all forms of spiritual disease, for we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically.” Big Book fourth step.
There’s that contradiction again “spiritually and sick”. Spirituality is in some ways a replacement drug for addiction.
Continue reading “What is Addiction Really?”
The same man will drink again.
Not to mention most of us come into the rooms with horrible relationship skills. We are skilled in the art of getting what we want at nearly any cost.
When I got sober in 2006 I swore the last thing I wanted was another
Page 64 Big Book: Our liquor was but a symptom. We HAD TO get down to causes and conditions.
Here’s the thing. Recovery is a process. It can be dangerous for a person under approx. 5 to 7 years (w/variables) sober to adapt the “recovered” view point because you know what they might do. I don’t believe anyone should stop going to meetings until they truly are fully recovered and/or know how to apply the steps in their daily life.
Who is recovered?
When I got sober after 30 years of drinking, drugging, and sick relationships I was scared to death. My self-esteem was zero. I was afraid to make a choice about pretty much anything for fear it would be wrong. I didn’t trust myself or my choices and hadn’t for a long time, that is unless I was in control-ism mode. But once I sobered up certain behaviors stopped immediately other habits took some time to develop.
I met a nice guy in AA. He had seven years sober. I like him so much but I was scared to death. That did not stop me from building a relationship. Well the thing is I was also going through group therapy at the time. All three of my
Page 64 Big Book: Our liquor was but a symptom. We HAD TO get down to causes and conditions.
Answer number one: I was in so much pain that I needed to numb myself due to a life-time of hiding away my true identity. By hiding intense feelings and thoughts away my pain lived inside me till I finally was taught how to let it all out.
Because of emotional neglect
Continue reading “Why Are Addicts in so Much Emotional Pain?”
WHY does it seem addicts are far more fearful than other people? It is a fear of feelings that drives a man to numb all his feelings including the blessed ones. At the core of addiction lies fear, shame, and an inability to process our feelings in a healthy way.
Panic attacks, anxiety, stress, shame, embarrassment, nervousness, phobias, freaking out,, shame, insecurity, shyness, inferiority are all bi-products of fear. Addiction =”fear management gone awry”.
Some may highly disagree with the fear theory. They will tell us they are ashamed of nothing and don’t give a damn what anybody thinks of them! And as they approach life through a platform of anger and wrath what they say is in some ways true. We bathe in anger to cover fear, hurt and pain. This is the addicts basic false-pride and denial system born from a core of fear and shame. Shame is a form of fear. Shame is the belief that other people are better than us and will see that we are BAD so we hide. (I do wish I was not writing my own emotional story here).
Please realize, addicts are not at fault for their deep fear/shame feelings. In the formative years of which we were sponges learning the basics of life itself and where we fit into it, some adult/adults who probably loved us (as much as they were able) convinced us that we were of less value than other people. These influential moms, dads, uncles, brothers, sisters, priests, pastures, coaches and teachers were in a position to literally form our self-image at a core level. Most likely they themselves reflected their own self-image onto us. They felt worthless and so we were worthless. At times addict-type parents are ashamed even of their own children.
We wear our hearts on our sleeves and we flinch and lash-out at any remote suggestion that we are bad, wrong, ugly, stupid, or any other negative connotation such as these. Feeling threatened we immediately switch-off to blame-mode and block out countless opportunities for fruitful and productive relationships. We routinely cut-off our own nose to spite our face.
And so as young emotionally defenseless children, we walked around with our heads hung low separate from the flock, prime prey for the abusive and distorted sex offender who reels us in by telling us what we crave to hear more than anything; ‘WE ARE OF VALUE, WE ARE LOVED’.
This my friend is the story of many an addict boys and girls alike.
IF AN ADDICT DOESN’T KNOW HE HAS BEEN DEEPLY ASHAMED HE HASN’T GOTTEN DOWN TO “CAUSES AND CONDITIONS”….YET, IN his/her RECOVERY PROCESS. But this is the beginning of healing, realizing the malady’s core.
We formed temporary emotional survival skills for our deep shame, but our skills, primal in nature have become destructive and push away the ones we love most and those we could have loved. Our slip-shot solutions are destructive and hurt others. We set ourselves up not as equals but rather as better than everyone else. We do this through harsh condemning judgments and endless fault finding and criticisms. We had to find a way to live with ourselves. When we drink and drug then we are beautiful, then we are strong, then we do not have to be ashamed.
But the drugs quit working that’s why we are here in AA to find new solutions. Solutions that do not consist of blame as their pre-requisite. Solutions that will aid in our sobriety and our emotional healing. And hopefully somewhere in our recovery we learn it’s ok to cry. That crying and being hurt are part of being human. We MUST FIND WAYS TO PROCESS THE MOST INTENSE OF OUR FEELINGS IF WE DON’T, THEN WE WILL CONTINUE REPRESSING EMOTIONS.
What do we do? An immersion into AA or any 12 step group is vital. We do a serious third step.
We do step four and list all prejudice, shame, resentment, silent judgement, guilt, and all hurtful actions. We do ongoing step work. We make a FEAR LIST.
We do step 12 chair meetings in jails, institutions, and AA itself, all service work will build self-worth. The more the better.
We get therapy and develop emotional processes that work for us. We hournal, write, cry, scream, groan, beat the bag, share, beat the bed. (There is no wrong feeling therefore we don’t have to hide and deny them.) We confess past offences.
We write a biography of the intense times in our life-What happened and how it made us feel.
Practice Spirituality-Step Eleven is priceless and should be ongoing.
A connection to nature and the outdoors is very helpful. We go to rivers, lakes, springs, snow, sky, caves, animals, walks and more.)
What is terror management theory?