Addicts should look at and process of both wrongs committed and wrongs suffered to fully recover. When we enter the realm of understanding and acceptance, we abandon deep denial, that is when addiction is no longer baffling to us. We label it a “disease” which gets us nowhere in progressive understanding of ourselves but instead we become open to emotional vulnerability in ourselves. Then we can start understanding how and why we were in so much emotional pain at a young age and forward.
Don’t you see my friend? If I call addiction a disease it will always be baffling to me and I will never get to know myself at a core level with both acceptance and understanding, forgiveness, and mesh my addict self with Love to my healthy patterns, and nurture that part of me back to health.
Calling the addict part of me a “disease” is a label of negativity. As if part of me is reprehensible and beyond repair, this is no true. Yes addiction is spiritual, but first it’s emotional. My sick emotions open the door for the demon of addiction to abide. When I Love that emotional part of me back to health I then dispel the hateful addict demon that latched itself to my feelings of inferiority and deep hidden fear.
I expose my fear to the light of empathy and fellowship in the name of truth and transparency of self. I quit hiding fear away as if it were a sign of “shitty recovery” to experience it. I now understand fear is and always was a part of the human condition therefore I stop being ashamed of fear, and instead I share it and write down on my FEAR LIST just as directed in the fourth step of the Big Book instructions. You know the fear list that NOBODY EVER TALKS ABOUT OR MENTIONS ON YOUR FOURTH STEP…..HELLO!
What else? Well how about I need at LEAST one person I can tell anything to. I now need to relieve myself of guilt and shame the culprits of my sick emotional state. WE ARE AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS. You will never gain self Love and confidence if you do not know who the hell you are to begin with. WE must finally accept our vulnerable sides in spite of the brainwashing we all have experienced in society, from TV, educational indoctrination, and our parents misconceptions of what is and isn’t permissible in behaviors.
YOU HAVE BEEN SHUT DOWN by parents and societal norms and status quos. It’s time to find out who you are and why you were so ashamed of you. People who hide who they are put a box around their own hearts. By this they make themselves very very sick. THE ELITE WHO BRAINWASHED YOU AS THE AGES OF 1-7 KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT TAKES TO SHUT YOU UP AND MAKE YOU SICK. Think I am kidding? Or wrong maybe? I challenge you this…research food as long as I have and you will see their are very evil and extremely knowledgeable people running this show. It is those elite 1% who have intentionally brought you and many others like you and me to our knees with their drugs and psyop programs.
We MUST abandoned our carnal, primal emotional survival skills of denial in the form of blame, self deception, and covering our childhood with a painting based in pact mentality where our parents and childhood was just fine. BULLSHIT! If our emotionally charged childhoods were so fine we would not be pegged for self loathing drizzled with self destruction. Face the truth and recovery. Stay in a picture perfect world and remain sick with sick emotional patterns.
If we keep an open mind and get a good therapist along with a 12 step program we will figure out why we were in so much emotional pain for so long. We should learn emotional tools that we use to process that pain, and really get to know who we are and love and forgive ourselves. The problem with addicts is they cannot bear to expose vulnerabilities emotionally. WE SIMPLY MUST EXAMINE childhood HURT, ANGER, AND FEAR to recover in the real world.
The first 2/3 of my life sucked. If someone would have told me I was in purgatory I would have believed it easily even though I didn’t believe in purgatory at the time. Until I had a certain dreams which were reality.
The whole story and dream are at this link.
When I overdosed on Cocaine and died I remember where I went, what it felt like, and that I was trapped in a bad place. I had stopped breathing and chances are my heart had also stopped. My friend gave me CPR. Coming back out of THE PANGS OF DEATH was like clawing my way out of hell as my friend blew breath into my lungs and revived me.
12 step programs work if you work hard and want a new life.
Without the recovery processes for emotion-health that I learned in A.A. and group therapy as tools I doubt I would be as content or sober as I am today. I needed more than AA to get better. I needed to learn processes for my feelings and to stop HOLDING EVERYTHING IN BECAUSE OF SHAME AND FEAR OF WHAT PEOPLE THINK.
Without my Higher Power’s help my recovery would not have all come together like a beautiful tapestry to deliver me from the Hell I had created by fear & shame.
Know this, I was not only indoctrinated into self induced Hell I was also not given the chance at emotional health prior to my addiction. I was doing all I knew how to do to find relief. But my contrived solutions became VERY toxic.
I do not have the right to condemn myself nor do you. That is not our call. Nor does self condemnation produce healing or sobriety. In AA we don’t look at ur faults to condemn us. But rather to recognize our toxic patterns of behavior so we can avoid them.
Back in the day punishing myself was a way of life even though I had no idea that was what I was doing.
Don’t worry…most people don’t recognize the self punishment in their destructive behavior until they have really delved deep into their heart and past.
Write an autobiography to start the process of self awareness.
Anyone who creates their own hell is engaging in self punishment weather they know it yet or not.
When your indoctrinated into the “good bad, paradigm of punishment, and reward” the common social system in the U.S., well, your brainwashed into thinking that punishment makes things all better. And that when you are punished your somehow washed clean and can face the world again without shame. It’s it’s engraved in our psyche’s subliminally, subconsciously, and its sick as hell but what’s worse is it’s a lie.
In real recovery we WAKE UP and get to know our patterns. I NOW know better than to blame myself, I was born into that sick paradigm. It’s all around us. But few can see it.
This doesn’t mean we don’t need to clean our wreckage of the past. But it does mean that if I did not take a look at wrongs done TO ME and work on those just as much if not more than wrongs committed BY ME, my recovery would only have been 50%. THAT’S RIGHT, 50%.
Bill W. WAS WAY TOO HARD ON HIMSELF PLUS he search years trying to get better even after the A.A. 12 step work he did.
LISTEN HERE; Did not Bill Wilson initially get sober by a white light spiritual experience? So he got something that many people never get much less understand. We cannot truly understand the full realm of recovery if we do not include God, Emotional processing, and 12 Step Work. We need the same white light experiences that Bill W. got. Also we need what he lacked…self empathy and a way to process our feelings. 12 step work is only 2/3 of the recovery process. And that’s IF you actually take step eleven seriously and continue in years of prayer and meditation.
If all you do is take two seconds in a day to get to know your higher power…well what kind of a relationship do you expect to glean from such a short application of your time and energy toward the most important relationship you will EVER have?
Most children don’t recognize the lack of emotional nurturing and the verbal negativity that they endure at the hands of adults. Few people in recovery unless blatantly abused, ever realize the wrongs they suffered during youth. We protect the pack with eyes wide shut and pin our sickness on a thin rational called “disease” so we don’t have to look at the true causes and conditions of who and what made us so fucking emotionally twisted and sick.
It’s all there, once your courageous enough to really look at it. Most addicts believe deep within their heart that they themselves are bad otherwise they wouldn’t be in defense mode 24/7. Otherwise they would not punish themselves. Otherwise they wouldn’t get angry when reading these truths.
Children are not born hating themselves, NO, they are taught by a very evil and diabolical system called “THE BEAST”. THE BEAST SYSTEM IS ALL AROUND US. You think this is crazy? You think our school curriculum’s induction into low self worth is by accident? Children are taught to hate who they are by teachers, by TV, by their parents (who are also indoctrinated) and lastly by our peers.
We are reared to demoralize one another in an effort to feel “good” about ourselves and to feel like we matter. The best system has taught us to do their work (against us) for them. There’s more to it on a spiritual level as well that I can’t get into on this post. There is a shame that is in addicts at a cellular level. We must make peace with out creator, our Earth, as well as with ourselves. Signed___ Eyes wide open.