If Nothing Changes- Nothing Changes. Heart Level Recovery Is Always God Grounded.
Recovery From Addiction.
My Heart is warmed when I remember my first year of recovery. I was so relieved to be free of the drink and drugs that I beamed with anticipation and gratitude. I was scared to death at the same time! I had no idea what kind of life I was in for but I did have hopes, dreams and the vision. I knew as long as I was doing God’s will by being clean and sober that He was at the helm and life would be good…and by God it was!
Continue reading “Heart Level Recovery Is Grounded in God”
Most Christians Will Be Left Behind, But Not Because of Sin…..
Most Christians will be left behind by reason of their heart condition. The same thing that needs to happen to get real/truthful with God needs to happen to stay sober.
“We MUST become as little children to inherit the Kingdom of God”. Meaning teachable and reliant on our Higher Power. So be sure you choose a H.P. who is Loving & capable.
What are the partially blind sheep hiding from God?
Continue reading “Why You Can’t Stay Sober Same Reason Most Christians Will Miss The First Rapture”
What is addiction?
Addiction is not a Disease, but rather it is a spiritual malady and force of habit. It is a poor self image and the presence of a broken heart. Our heart can be healed and our habits can be changes. We won’t relapse if we take the time to respect ourselves enough to realize not only did we hurt others but others hurt us deeply. The certainly taught us as children that we were inferior and bad. So we spent the rest of our days trying to prove that it wasn’t true while our own hearts believed that it was.
Continue reading “When Sobriety Becomes a Way of Life”
Every addict has one thing in common, self punishment. Until we figure out and heal from whatever it is we feel we must punish ourselves for our addiction will remain a mystery. Clearly those who punish themselves must in some subconscious way feel they can beat themselves to a point of rendering their identity clean and clear from self loathing once again.
However, that is a sick attempts at getting well. It’s an attempt which is seldom realized by the punisher. And while we are in this state we also project our punishing onto those around us, often those we love most.
In The Beginning
My answer to the question “what was I numbing when I was using drugs and alcohol addictively?”
I had to numb my fear, shame, and intense feeling of inferiority.
For me, at a young age I was taught (in so many words and lessons)
that the whole world of people were all superior to me in every way. And that everything about me was wrong both inside and out. Therefore, I had to hide my
identity so no one would see how bad and wrong I was. Of course I had no idea of this at the time.
It took years of work to understand the emotional inner workings of my subconscious.
And so with this starke, devastating truth of who and what I was (inferior) I had to shut down and transform into someone else.
I (my true heart) became a prisoner in my own
mind always living/acting as status quos dictated, trying to be someone else. I was sold a bill
of goods and commenced to live up to what I was sold.
Continue reading “The Story of an Addict Who Recovered”
Jails, Institutions, and Near Death
Spring of 2006 I spent 2 months in jail getting sober for the last time. I spent my time locked up reading the Bible, The Big Book, writing ‘Paradise for the Hellbound’, and praying that the judge would sentence me to Bridgehouse. Bridgehouse (B.H.) is a rehab center owned by Meridian Behavioral Healthcare. I had been on the Methadone program there and I sent letters to my doctor to get me into rehab from jail. He was all for it. He himself later landed in rehab. Come to find out the doc was dipping into his own meds .How convenient.
On June 15th 2006 I got transported to B.H. by a Levy County Sheriff to begin my 28-day stay. Twenty-eight days…… twenty-eight days …. (reminiscent sigh). In the spring of 2006 28 days seemed like a very long time. The days were long and the nights were even longer. I had been in my addiction for nearly 35 years.
Continue reading “Recovery from Addiction”
What Beatings Did for my Self-Identity
Why I chose to become a drug addict.
Firstly who can justify beating with a belt or even an open hand little baby girls. We were beautiful and innocent babies who had not even learned right from wrong.
My heart is broken. I spent the first 17 years of my life learning from those I trusted and loved most what a horrible person I was. I learned it from my father who I now loath. Thing is I had no idea what child abuse looked like so I blamed myself for every beating, verbal belittling, rejections, abandonments, and violent strike my father gave me before the age of 5. Who allows their little daughter of 3 or 4 to walk into a pile of hot coals? I suffered 3rd degree burns on my butt and legs for my parents….neglect was it? I remember the mail man bringing me home at the age of 3 because I wondered down the highway with no supervision.
Firstly how in the hell does a man justify beating a little 3 or 4 year old girl. It sickens me. Father; you taught me I was literally disgusting. He taught me that my young and excited hopes and dreams were ridiculous and I could not possibly attain any of them. He taught me who I was. He was my teacher and he showed me I scarcely had a right to be on this earth. All my feelings were wrong he said. All my ideas were wrong. By the time I was 4 or 5 I remember wanting to cut my body because it was reprehensible.
Continue reading “Legal Child Abuse and Parental Neglect Iced over with Ignorance”
False pride has been my most besetting character defect. I like to think even today that I am absolutely recovered. I like to think all my intense emotional trauma has been talked out, written through, cried and screamed out of my lungs and gone for good. God knows I have worked on my sobriety by spiritual, emotional, and 12 step work at a very deep level. I have learned to take responsibility for the way I feel and to find the root and process it, rather than blame some silly event of person in today.
I have learned the difference between the three types of healing and malady “emotional, spiritual, and 12 step/character defect” recovery. By receiving the solutions to each aspect of recovery separately and at different times my recovery has been educational and worth sharing. I harp on the emotional recovery because it’s my most recent form of deliverance. Emotional recovery involves processing feelings and events of the past. It involves core issues and core healing.
But in the last two years I have realized by the anger I have felt and the
Continue reading “Father Knows Best…or does he?”
Facebook Group Addiction Professional Referral Group: In response to the comment that addicts don’t understand healthy fear and that healthy fear (the kind we need to survive) is somehow the culprit of addiction. (This article is based on my own experience therefore may have nothing to do with yours. Read Disclaimer)
In short-Addiction is a solution to an emotional disorder defined as an inability to process feelings in a healthy way. It is comprised of Intense shame usually because of neglect, abuse, and childhood lessons dictating that our feelings and we are all wrong. And therepression of fear which intensifies fear. Addiction is a solution to terror and the fear of loss and feelings. Then- the solution goes wrong and we must find another or figure out the core pain and fear so as to find healthy solutions to it. Simply put addicts are scared to death and have been taught they are bad, and wrong at the core. Imagine going through life like that. We addicts made the grave error of taking to heart what our parents taught us about ourselves. We have been sold a bill of goods that is not easily remedied. I don’t have a disease because I have found the core reasons for my fear and shame. If the reasons under the reasons to drink and drug are not realized by the addict then he does still have a disease, obscure, and incurable. Without self-awareness there can be no cure.______Laura Edgar author of Paradise for the Hellbound
Continue reading “For ANYBODY Who Wants to Understand ADDICTION”
RECOVERED OR RECOVERING? Click here to read summary
Page 64 Big Book: Our liquor was but a symptom. We HAD TO get down to causes and conditions.
Here’s the thing. Recovery is a process. It can be dangerous for a person under approx. 5 to 7 years (w/variables) sober to adapt the “recovered” view point because you know what they might do. I don’t believe anyone should stop going to meetings until they truly are fully recovered and/or know how to apply the steps in their daily life.
Who is recovered?
Continue reading “Recover-ING or Recover-ED? By Lori Edgar”
ACCEPTANCE IS A PROCESS NOT A LIGHT SWITCH
I WAS VERY SICK FOR A LONG TIME
When I got sober after 30 years of drinking, drugging, and sick relationships I was scared to death. My self-esteem was zero. I was afraid to make a choice about pretty much anything for fear it would be wrong. I didn’t trust myself or my choices and hadn’t for a long time, that is unless I was in control-ism mode. But once I sobered up certain behaviors stopped immediately other habits took some time to develop.
SOBER DREAMS DO COME TRUE
I met a nice guy in AA. He had seven years sober. I like him so much but I was scared to death. That did not stop me from building a relationship. Well the thing is I was also going through group therapy at the time. All three of my
Continue reading “WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE”