WHAT IT WAS LIKE

I know what it’s like to be torn in two.  Half of me desperately wanting to be sober and clean.  The other half tearing at me convinced that I am a slave to drugs and that I have no choice in the matter…I must use.  In this case it might have been better to have NO CONSCIENCE WHAT SO EVER.  But I could not tear the very heart of me out and replace it with a sober emotionally balanced and spiritually grounded heart.

I was squittled.  It seemed there was nothing I could do.  I was a slave to crack, methadone, morphine, cigarettes, alcohol and an emotional & mental mess I might add.  Denial was the closest thing to peace of mind that I had.  But denial was the counterfeit of Peace.

WHAT HAPPENED

On good Friday 2006 I was walking on the sidewalk when I got stopped by a cop.  I was in a county called “GilChrist”.  I had no idea it was Good Friday until the cop threw me in jail because of warrants.  Warrants I was also unaware of.  I was lost.  I screamed at the cop all the way to jail.

As I sat in the holding cell I prayed to God; “please lesson the withdraw symptoms”  The withdraw wasn’t nearly as bad as it should have been.  After about two weeks in jail my decrepit mind began to realize what I had done with my life.   The guilt in me for neglecting my nine year old daughter still eats at my heart.  Even after doing a step nine with her and all the rest of the steps.

I don’t know if a mother’s brand of guilt ever really goes away totally.  If I had a million dollars I would buy her the world to make up for my horrible horrible behavior.  Even though my crack days were limited to about a year on and off.  If was the second worst drug of them all. I was unavailable and when I did have my daughter I exposed her my addiction.   Clearly injecting Cocaine was the most horrific drug abuse.  It left me a basket case of panic attacks and shadows of experiencing the deepest fear you can ever imagine.  Those days ended in my twenties, way before I had my daughter.        I could not keep that up.  It’s a whole other story for another day.

In Jail

My head cleared up.  I prayed allot.  I remembered the first time I had gotten sober for a very long time due to a spiritual experience.  I had sought God in a little Baptist church in the meadow.  The pasture was a sweet old man.  There was also a minister woman.  She put her hand on my chest where all my pain lived as I was leaving the Sunday morning service.  She said; “God has something for you, come to the evening service”.  And so I did, and I received prayer and the laying on of hands from five or six Christian believers.

I recieved the Holy Spirit that night.  The story is in my book “Paradise for the Hellbound”    I spent a year as a student with that women Sister Petty.  She taught me allot.    There is also an article about my overdose here which lead me to seek God. .

Back to 2006

Between my first spiritual experience back in 1989 and my second stay in rehab, in 2006 and Alcoholics Anonymous I was finally able to release most of my fear and pain.  But I spent a year in therapy.  The right therapy.  It also changed me for the better.  Honestly one touch from God made me a different person.  Morally I was changed for ever.  Seek God my friend.  Seek with every fiber of your being.  God out into the world and follow your heart.  God to the church that draws you in.  And it will if you listen to the still small voice.  GOD DELIVERS HIS CHILDREN FROM BONDAGE ALL THE TIME WE JUST HAVE TO SEEK HIM.  SAY JESUS’ NAME ALOUD AND GIVE THANKS OVER AND OVER.. I found that the laying on of hands in prayer is magical.  Working the 12 steps is miraculous as well but in a different way.  Every addict should go to therapy for at least a year in my opinion.  When they get sober I mean.

WHAT IT’S LIKE NOW

When I got out of two months in jail and thirty days of rehab I began my knew life.  I raised my daughter in loving environment for the next eight years till she grew up and moved out.  I made amends.  I took meetings into the very jail I got sober in.  I shared my experience strength and hope with the women for two years straight before I got service burn out.  I started a successful business.  I wrote a book and published it.  I have been in a good relationship for ten years.  I have been sober nearly ten years also.  I have been healed by writing, sharing, prayer, meditation, telling my story, chairing meetings, doing step four and five over and over.  I love my life for the first time ever.

But without Jesus, God, I am hopeless.  Call your God by any name.  Names are not important but seeking is.  And seeking is done by the heart and the footwork.

The Big Book is in the public domain.  Therefore when Amazon sells it Amazon gets the money not World Services.

After much study and research I have concluded this article I found online is the best one on the topic of The Big Book, it’s profits, and it’s copyright laws.  Editions One & Two are in the public domain.  That’s why Amazon and other book manufacturers are selling it at full profit.  Meaning AA gets nothing from the sales.  There are a few theories as to why AA failed to renew it’s copyrights.  Read the article.

Is the Big Book Shrinking?
By Meg Williams 07/09/13
The Big Book remains the place to find AA’s program of recovery. But thanks to competing publishers and free apps, literature revenues are falling. Is there anything World Services can do?
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Will AA’s publishing revenues soon become small beer? Photo via
When the 63rd General Service Conference of Alcoholics Anonymous met this April, the delegates representing AA groups from the US and Canada passed a motion to allow AA World Services (AAWS) to “use commissioned online stores to sell and distribute digital AA literature.”

AA literature is already widely available on the web. This includes the AA website’s links to the current edition of Alcoholics Anonymous and Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. But other vendors also publish editions of the Big Book online, downloadable for free or for a nominal charge. At this point, AAWS has already lost considerable business to these other publishers. Many would ask, “Why is AA allowing this?” The answer: AA has no legal recourse to stop it.

Individual AA members must choose whom to pay for the Big Book, if they choose to pay at all.
The first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous has been public domain since 1967, when AA failed to renew its copyright on the text. AA also failed to renew the copyright on the second edition, causing it to lapse in 1983. In both cases, most sources say that AAWS failed to act simply because of a lack of understanding of the applicable copyright laws.

Of course, other theories have been proposed. Some suggest that AA let the copyright lapse to dodge any liability resulting from the fact that Bill Wilson claimed he was the only author at the time the Big Book was first copyrighted. (Other people are known to have written portions of the book, including “To Employers” and “The Doctor’s Opinion,” for example.) Moving these works into public domain then re-copyrighting the third edition and not claiming that Bill Wilson was the only author would prevent anyone from suing AA over the original copyright. These same sources add that AA’s General Service Office (GSO) claimed to misunderstood the law in order to hide its true motives. This theory needs to be qualified by saying that these sources seem to have a bone to pick with AA in general. They present evidence to support their claims; however, it is very difficult to confirm its veracity, due to the lack of documentation available to the public from the AA’s service structures.

Whatever its reasons, this apparent oversight has caused a considerable headache for AAWS and the GSO as a whole, because a large part of their budget comes from literature sales. The projected net income from sales for the year of 2013 was $7,782,800. This figure represents profits after subtracting all costs for royalties, manufacturing and shipping. This money was expected to cover 54% of GSO’s expenses for 2013. The 2013 gross income was budgeted at $95,000 less than 2012—showing a decline in sales, though not a steep one. GSO hoped to compensate by reducing production and distribution costs in order to increase the profit margin.

Although the current laws would have extended the copyright until at least 2021, AAWS must adhere to the laws that were in place when the first and second editions were published. The applicable law, the 1909 Copyright Act, dictates that copyrights must be renewed in writing after 30 years. International copyright laws, on the other…read more at “The Fix”

I validated the claims of this article by researching all day.  Here are some of the verifications.

http://www.aa.org/pages/en_US/fair-use-policy  What happened to the triangle in the circle?

Sources http://aa-speakers.com/aa-big-book-copyright/

http://aamo.info/aa/history/mklibrary/openletter.htm

http://www.barefootsworld.net/aacircletriangle.html

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-pamphlet2.html

http://www.silkworth.net/gsowatch/1939/uslaw.htm

THERE IS A GOD AND I’M NOT IT!

WE DO NOT HAVE TO STAY IN DENIAL ABOUT OUR DEFECTS OF CHARACTER, WE DO NOT TAKE INVENTORY TO BEAT OURSELVES UP.  WE DEVELOPED OUR CHARACTER DEFECTS AS AN INSTINCT TO SURVIVE EMOTIONALLY.   WE NOW HAVE THE TOOLS TO CHANGE…BUT FEW CHANGES WILL COME WITHOUT COURAGEOUS SELF-APPRAISAL.

Most parents don’t have any idea what emotional nurturing is.  First instinct when we hear this parental blight is to protect the pack.  The pack are usually the very people (family) who inadvertently taught us to shut down who we really are.  Grave emotional disorder is at the core of addictive personalities.  “Grave disorder(How it Works)” is basically constipated and stifled emotions.  We addicts often  learned how not to cry and how not to share our heart.  We learned to wear a mask and hide who we are so we wouldn’t get hurt.  So we thought.  If your emotions are healthy and happy then why in the hell did you try to drink and drug yourself to death?  Come on now.  Oh right you did it because of an innate gene pool.   Well then for you there could be no cure.  But for those of us who have learned a twisted set of emotional responses and survival tactics.  We can unlearn them.  You can’t swim your way out of a gene pool.

We in AA have identified an array of character defects that are the culprits of our addictive patterns. Among these are the inclination to control everyone and everything around us. Some of us are painfully controlling while others are more passive-aggressive with their scheming. Our defects cause friends and family to run from us like we are ravenous wolves.
Some of us have learned to use other people’s control defect to our advantage. We can passively control others by handing over a certain amount of our own power to them.
Ah yes how we can puff up a gentlemen’s ego by asking him to make our choices for us. Handing over our decision making is a perfect way for a damsel to relinquish responsibility for any consequences of that decision. At the same time, it makes our Knight in shining armor feel so powerful and smart that he is more than willing to help us. The problem is the Knight is weaving his own manipulation, there are many invisible strings attached to his assistance.
When we snatch our power back and the knight inevitably becomes disturbed we will just label him possessive and take out a restraining order. Yikes! Don’t try this at home!
The damsel and the gentlemen is just one example of controlling behavior. We have all seen those who are painfully controlling, they are the one’s running around like directors on a movie screen. When the movie doesn’t play out like they want it to, they promptly fall apart or get very angry and spin around a bit screaming and yelling. Take controlism up another notch and you have obsessive compulsive disorder.
The fact is if resentment is rearing its ugly head you can bet there is a fear at the heart of it. (Pg.417 BB) Getting in touch with one’s own “God syndrome” is important during a fourth step. Once we have established the identity of our controlling side we can use that knowledge in all our tenth steps. Contrary to popular portrayal in The Rooms resentments do crop up and it doesn’t mean we are not “working a program”. People can be ass-holes and they are going to piss us off. Getting a resentment lets us know we are still [feeling] and still sober. Holding on to resentment is dangerous and can result in misery if not checked.
Finding the part of us who wants to play god doesn’t happen for everybody. Some sober people just never get it…the blame game worked for them for so long they are just incapable of trying a healthy solution. You will find them engaging in numerous sick relationships with train wreck break-ups that are never their fault.
The steps are in order for a reason meaning the third step must be done before a fourth will have that supernatural kick. With God’s help the revelation of self will happen during our fourth step.
If we realize our resentments are rooted in wanting to control other adults and the fear that accompanies a of lack of power pg. 45 Big Book then join the club, but consider yourself blessed you already know yourself better than many

“Take it easy, don’t let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy. Lighten up while you still can don’t even try to understand, just find A place and make your stand and take it easy yee ha!” This line has helped me lighten up on myself many times. It is basically saying the same thing to me as the unwritten rule 62 in AA “don’t take yourself so damn seriously!” I gotta say I have never ever cried over the loss of someone I didn’t know personally. But I am crying now. Listen to the song “Take it Easy” and “Hotel California” now.
CLICK TO SEE/HEAR “TAKE IT EASY”

CLICK TO HEAR “HOTEL CALIFORNIA” Hotel California Glenn Frye (front right guitarist), Don Henley, Joe Walsh and the gang.

One of the founding members of the Eagles, Glenn Frey, died today in New York City, his family and bandmates announced on the band’s website.

He was 67.

According to the statement from his loved ones and colleagues, Frey’s death was caused by complications from rheumatoid arthritis, acute ulcerative colitis and pneumonia.

“The Frey family would like to thank everyone who joined Glenn to fight this fight and hoped and prayed for his recovery,” read a statement on the Eagles’ website. “Words can neither describe our sorrow nor our love and respect for all that he has given to us, his family, the music community and millions of fans worldwide.”

A Detroit native, Frey met Don Henley when they were in their 20s and new to the music business. Soon after, they formed the Eagles with Randy Meisner and Bernie Leadon, quickly becoming one of the most popular rock bands of all time, with hits including “Take It Easy,” “Desperado,” and “Hotel California.” (Meisner was replaced by Timothy B. Schmit in 1977 and Joe Walsh took over for Leadon in 1975.) ABC NEWS click here to read entire article abc.com